Tea is soothing, I wish to be tense

Okay, let's be brutally honest. I have completely and utterly frakkin' failed to keep my head of the bargain and actually write any blog entries. I mean, frak me. The last blog post in January? At least between September and December of 2013 I had the excuse that I was busy writing a one hundred and ten thousand word novel (yes, I'm probably going to brag about that one A LOT) but I haven't had such a good excuse since January. Nope, chalk this one up to being plain frakkin' lazy. Though in some statement of defence, I have been working on a short story to my novel and scheming for the possible sequel.

However, I did give a lot of time over to being addicted to XCOM: Enemy Within and finally getting around to sitting down with my housemate and watching The Wire. We're entering the home stretch with series five, with any good fortune I might get off my ass and blog about it when we finally finish it all.

Anyway, this is not at all the purpose of today's blog entry. No, the purpose of today's and hopefully some future instalments (possibly with the same post title but "Part 2" etc. put on them) is a series of controlled, scientific experiments I am conducting. On myself. With coffee.

Ahem.

I should probably give you all the time honoured context...

Some of my dearest readers may be somewhat entirely aware of my reaction to mythical substance of coffee, in particular its addictive drug lord, caffeine. To the uninitiated, I go completely off-the-rails hyper. To the point where I will collapse on the floor in fits of uncontrollable hysterics for no earthly reason whatsoever. I will admit, I found this feeling to be utterly glorious.

There is, of course, a note of delicious irony to this story. Once upon a many Moon ago (click on obligatory flashback link to ancient blog post here) I talked about my journey through the weird and mystical world of tea. I mentioned that I work for a company called Boston Tea Party, an independent chain (yes, a definite contradiction in terms but it kind of fits) of - currently - fourteen coffee shops, mostly in the south-west of England, slowly encroaching northwards. ANYWAY. The irony here is that I work in a coffee shop and rarely ever drink coffee for the simple reason that it can turn me into a completely gibbering, useless wreck almost as effectively as a certain beautiful American girl's intense blue eyes, the cold blue like glistening ice and so help me Dionysus if I continue along this road we'll never get home.

So you kind of see the logic behind the following equation: Achilleus + Caffeine = Hysterical Wreck. Admittedly, Dynamite's eyes don't make me hysterical, just poetical. Which is just as dangerous.

Moving swiftly on, the point here, the point of quoting the wise, wonderful and witty Rupert Giles in his exchange with Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer 3x22 "Graduation Day, Part Two" is that on Monday, 28th April 2014, the unthinkable happened. On an early morning shift, the last with my great friend and wingman Sonic who is abandoning me for Oxford, I was so tired and uninspired by the idea of a morning cup of tea (or perhaps it was that little Devil inside me saying, "It's your last shift with Sonic, have some fun") I decided I wanted a coffee.

Sonic, in his infinite wisdom and slight tendency towards sadism, dutifully made me a flat white (a drink which is the source of much debate in coffee circles as to its precise definition and coffee/milk ratio, a subject for another day though). Now usually, signs of caffeination hysteria are noticeable within ten-fifteen minutes of the first sip of coffee. But by the time I had finished the delightful mixture of smooth, textured milk and medium roast coffee (yes, I am turning into a corporate tool who's hoping to shove this blog post on the Boston Tea Party Facebook just to...well, to just do something) no signs of CH had occurred. I did at one point stop and hold my hand in front of me and notice some signs of shaking, but the (what I thought was) inevitable hysteria failed to materialise. So later in the afternoon, I decided to push the boat right out. I had a second coffee.

No incidents of caffeination hysteria were recorded on Monday, 28th April 2014.

This has led to much thought and debate upon what precisely happened. Potential factors include:

-->Work was busy enough to provide a focus for energy produced by caffeine infusion
-->Tiredness and caffeination combined to create an equilibrious point neatly in the middle
-->I'm developing a tolerance to caffeine

The first two are quite obvious and workable theories. The third is far more intriguing. While I have not had an entire caffeinated beverage start to finish, I have on occasion tasted the espresso at work as a means of divining flavour notes, whether it tastes good or bad. On certain, what I call "Disaster", days I have had to calibrate the coffee machine first thing in the morning to ensure that, at the very least, the café is able to serve coffee, even if some of the subtle nuances like jugs of tap water and cake displays have not been entirely attended to. Rare, extremely rare. But it's happened and I have the vague training to know what I'm doing, get it tasting good and serving good coffee. At least, I'm pretty sure I've not had many complaints.

Anyway, humility and hedging one's bets aside, it is theoretically possible that small levels of exposure have led to an increased tolerance. Caffeine receptors in my brain no longer go completely outright ballistic as soon as the wonder-drug is introduced into my cerebellum. Of course, coffee takes the bloodstream route, the direct highway to the brain. Tea, my usual beverage of choice, takes the nervous system route. A little slower, but lasts a little longer and is somewhat subtler. It is also, though tenuously, theoretically possible that it has also primed my system for caffeinated beverages.

Another plausible theory is that I have had so many non-caffeine induced attacks of hysteria that my brain didn't really care that it was being flooded with the stuff on Monday.

So with all these theories in mind, a decision was made. I would have to drink more coffee. All in the name of SCIENCE (we're talking Portal-style, throwing SCIENCE - it has be in capital letters for this - at the wall to see what sticks, paraphrased courtesy of Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Laboratories). So, in the glorious pursuit of SCIENCE, today saw the first of a what might be a series of controlled tests.

Last night, I went out to the pub to have farewell drinks for Sonic before his inevitable departure to Oxford. I returned home around one o'clock in the morning and then dragged myself out of bed at five o'clock that same morning. Immediately noticed that I was dreadfully tired. The stage was set for Test 1.

-->Test 1: 1xCaffeinated Beverage, 1xSleep Deprived Achilleus. Add two together, observe results.

The results being that within minutes I noticed that I was more focused and alert. I fear I may have gone down the slippery slope towards caffeine dependency, but we'll see what my body has to say after the test cycle has been completed. To wit, the proposed cycle of testing:

-->Test 2: 1xCaffeinated Beverage, 1xNon-Sleep Deprived Achilleus. This test will serve to prove or disprove the Tiredness Equilibrium Theory
-->Test 3: 2xCaffeinated Beverage, 1xSleep Deprived Achilleus. This test will attempt to recreate the circumstances of Monday, 28th April 2014 in order to duplicate results, to ascertain that it wasn't just a fluke
-->Test 4: 2xCaffeinated Beverage 1xNon-Sleep Deprived Achilleus. This test will be the gamma radiation experiment. It could result in The Hulk, it could fizzle to nothing, but it is likely to produce the final proof of whether or not I have become caffeine tolerant to the point I will not suffer caffeination hysteria

So there you have it. The path of my scientific journey to discover if I'm resistant to the hysterical effects of caffeine. I intend to at the very least update this blog over the course of these experiments, if not update the blog more often from now on. Who knows, eh? Until, it's time to drink some more coffee. FOR SCIENCE!

This isn't a videogame, Fisher!

I've wanted to do a top ten blog for a little while now. At first, I was considering doing a top ten "Tech Guys" list to honour the arrival of my new computer. Ended up gushing about Avengers Assemble instead. Won't lie, a film well worth gushing over. Now that I've dispensed with my arbitrary Avengers/Joss Whedon compliment, I'm going to get to something of a point.

Digging around on Facebook, I found some old "Notes" that I'd done. A couple of twenty-five random fact ones, four movie quotation ones (pitching to do a fifth, but haven't quite found the nerdy energy for it yet), a couple of completely nonsensical ones and my list of top ten games.

This note was written three years ago. 4th March 2009 to be utterly precise. And the most intriguing thing I've noted is how much my top ten has changed in those years. So in addition to giving you pictures and blurb of the games in my top ten, they will come with a notation as to whether they've gone up, down, stayed in the same position or been dethroned something entirely. Also, I like the idea of using the phrase "dethroned".

So without further ado, my top ten games:

10: Mass Effect (Xbox 360)

New Entry
Dethroned: Worms 4: Mayhem (PC)

It took me a long time to get from my Xbox (acquired around 2004/2005), to get to my 360 (acquired in 2011). It didn't take long for me to indulge in Mass Effect, a game that had been highly recommended to me. It did not disappoint. Like many things in this universe, I love and hate it...I hate it, because I wish I had thought up that storyline first. Still yet to truly play its sequels and there's a part of me that wants to keep it that way. Not only stunning to look at, but Mass Effect created a rich, wonderful universe, populated with intriguing characters who generated a compelling story to play through.

9: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo 64)

Shuffled Down
Previous Position: 2

While from 2 to 9 seems like an incredible fall from grace, this should not reflect on the quality and beauty of this game. I can still remember the day I finally acquired this game, the fleeting opportunities to play it as my sister had hogged my N64 and later that evening was my nephew's first birthday party. But eventually, I became immersed in the game. Now I was eleven. I was a tempestuous child and I will admit to the odd falling out with Ocarina of Time. Threats of being thrown out, along with my N64 and entire collection, often followed repeated failures to defeat particularly diabolical bosses. Regardless, this game will always hold a special place in my heart and remains one of the finest games ever made.

8: Snowboard Kids (Nintendo 64)

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Previous Position: 4

This is one of the games I credit with getting me through the stress of my GCSEs. Of course, having gone through A-Levels and a Creative Writing degree, GCSEs seem like an absolute cake-walk that I could probably do blindfolded at this juncture, I still owe this game. There's just something so cute and adorable about the game that makes it so much fun to come back to time and again. Snowboard Kids will forever remain a classic, a simple pleasure that I will never grow old. Kind of makes me wish I could really snowboard...

7: TimeSplitters 2 (Nintendo GameCube)

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Dethroned: Thief: The Dark Project (PC)

Represented here by my favourite level, 2019: NeoTokyo, TimeSplitters 2 is one of the best First-Person Shooters I've come across. I was first introduced to the game in 2008/2009 by one of my best friends, a man far more game-nerdier than I (with the unfortunate callsign "Lady Boy", but that's a traumatic story for another day) and completed the whole thing in a single two-hour sitting at his house. While that might seem far too easy and not so enjoyable, I keep coming back and back to TimeSplitters 2 and endlessly to NeoTokyo - mostly because I find it so damn pretty. Though one of its best features is its obvious use of time travel - thanks to this, you get to blast the living crap out of things from multiple time frames: cyberpunk gangs in 2019, bug-eyed aliens in 2280 and gangsters in 1932. Good...times.

6: Tachyon: The Fringe (PC)

Shuffled Down
Previous Position: 5

She's not gone far and there's pretty good reason for that. Tachyon: The Fringe is the best space-fighter game ever. Not only is it aesthetically pretty (being set in space, it has a lot of pretty things to look at), it has an incredibly gripping storyline that - like Mass Effect - I really, really wish I thought of first. Nonetheless, I love this game. I particularly love the pictured ships - the GalSpan Orion. A well-balanced fighter and when armed with Deimos Heavy Lasers and Solaris Torpedoes, a force never to be frakked with. That being said, when I go into the Twilight Region, I tend to favour the GalSpan Phoenix. Slower, but she takes much more punishment. Much, much more. To the point though, Tachyon was a brilliant piece of gaming ingenuity, with freedom to roam around vast areas of space populated by some pretty colourful characters. A superb game and timeless classic.

5: Half-Life 2 (PC)

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Dethroned: Tachyon: The Fringe (PC)

I wonder if I should have discovered this game sooner. On the other hand, I came to it at the perfect time. As borderline Obsessive-Compulsive (though many debate the "borderline" part), I had to play the first game...well...first. While it was a hard slog, I enjoyed the game and was richly rewarded for my time when I came to Half-Life 2 and was first given the Gravity Gun. When those two words enter the sentence, you know there is so much fun to be had. Especially when you get the super-charged version and pick up people and hurl them into disintegrating energy fields. Whilst humming Johann Strauss' "The Blue Danube" . Not to mention it has yet another brilliant, deeply engrossing storyline I'm jealous of.

4: Portal (PC)

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Dethroned: Snowboard Kids (Nintendo 64)

When it comes to be being jealous of storylines and ideas...the beauty of Portal makes you just want to travel to Bellevue, Washington and bow down before the writers of Valve Software. Then tell them "If you can't beat them, join them. I must join you. NOW!" It's near universally held that Portal did something so simple, yet so incredible that it blew the minds of many a gamer. And an honourable mention should go here to its sequel, Portal 2, equally mind-blowing and featuring J.K. Simmons. But here we are honouring the brain-teasing joy of Portal and the immense fun it has given us imagining practical applications for the Portal Gun in our everyday lives. Kudos, Valve...just...kudos.

3: Perfect Dark (Nintendo 64)

Non-Mover
Previous Position: Right Here

When it comes to favourites, even the brand-new, shiny beautiful games cannot beat those classics that stole your heart as an innocent child. The other game responsible for my survival through my GCSEs and the best FPS I've ever played, Perfect Dark cannot be matched. It beat Portal and Half-Life 2. To most gamers that's a tall order I imagine. But when it comes to storyline, aesthetics and kick-ass British female heroines, Perfect Dark wins. Oh yeah and it has Area 51. I'm a bit of a conspiracy enthusiast. I love playing with Area 51, especially in my writing. I love what they did with the place. Oh and they named an alien "Elvis". Dude. Awesome.

2: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (Nintendo 64)

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Dethroned: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo 64)

I suspect this may be viewed as a controversial decision, but Ocarina of Time's direct sequel wins. Both games are beautiful, but Majora's Mask is so much more colourful, as well as being quite a bit darker in content. It also plays a lot more with temporal mechanics and I do thoroughly enjoy a good spot of casual time-travel. Also, it has an utterly beautiful soundtrack - my favourite piece being the song the Indigo-Go's play over the top of the end credits. While it was quite the short game in terms of bosses and temples, the three-day Groundhog-Day-reminiscent cycles kept you on your toes and kept those side quests going for many a sleepless night after the final triumph of defeating the ultimate boss.

1: Deus Ex (PC)

Non-Mover
Previous Position: Right Here

I don't think anything will ever, *ever* be able to top this game. When it comes to games I wish I'd written first, this is the Big Kahuna. The storyline is so vast, so rich in background information - painstakingly researched, pieces of scientific information slotted in at exactly the right points. This game is responsible for a great many things in my writing - my fascination with nanotechnology and cyberpunk. While the reputation of the game may have been sullied by its demon offspring, Deus Ex: Invisible War (still enjoyable and I love it, but it's that drunken mistake you wish you hadn't woken up next to), its prequel, Deus Ex: Human Revolution restored its honour somewhat. While not as radical as Portal, this one was a game-changer. For the hours of enjoyment I have received and the influence it's had on me, I owe this game a debt of thanks I can only repay by continuing to play it over and over again.

I want to be an achiever. Like Bad Horse.

At work today I was struck by my not uncommon compulsion to sing, but something was very, very wrong. Not with my song choice - Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. But with my ability to remember the songs. I mean, this is Dr Horrible. A work of Joss Whedon. I can recall all the words to the Buffy musical episode "Once More, With Feeling" (a phrase that, I must say, I don't get to use as often as I would like to!), but somehow, Dr Horrible escaped me.

This, was most definitely, a problem. One which I resolved, somewhat easily, by putting it on as soon as I arrived home from work. And, a tad naturally, it sparked my neuro-synaptic relays. Or, in other words, I started thinking. About villains. About my favourite villains.

Oh yes children! It's time for my top ten run-down of my all time favourite villains!  As always, spoilers will be avoided as much as possible, but apologies for any that slip in.

10: Darth Vader (Star Wars)

Ever moaned about your boss breathing down your neck? Feared his or her wrath if you didn't do your job properly? Then spare a thought for the poor men and women of the Galactic Empire. Failed to stop those pesky Rebels from stealing the Death Star plans? Were those really the droids you were looking for? Then watch out, because Darth Vader isn't above using the Force to choke the life out of you. He's also a pretty mean duellist with a lightsaber. Just ask Obi-Wan Kenobi.

9: Julian Sark (Alias)

He's dashingly handsome, dashingly devious and has an uncanny knack for keeping himself alive. Captured numerous times by the CIA over his criminal career and yet this sneaky little bugger always manages to escape. How does he do it? His response to Sydney Bristow and Michael Vaughn should sum it up - "Not a problem. My loyalties are flexible." Enough said really.

8: Dick Jones (RoboCop)

When it comes to money-grabbing, amoral capitalists, none do it better than Dick Jones, Senior Vice President, Omni Consumer Products. The driving force in the ED-209 programme, mastermind behind a criminal underworld, general all-round jackass. His departure from his service to OCP is particularly memorable too. Ronny Cox has played many a villainous jackass in his brilliant career, but his portrayal of Dick Jones makes him the definitive corporate villain.

7: Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger (The Simpsons)

Voiced wonderfully by Kelsey Grammer, Sideshow Bob is quite possibly one of the most charming villains ever to grace animation. I mean, who else would consent to his arch-nemesis' last request of a performance of the entire score from Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore? That's right. No one but Sideshow Bob. Though it has to be said, he really didn't need to rig his mayoral election. But oh well. Still a wonderful villain.

6: GLaDOS (Portal)

Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System. Quite possibly the most deranged and psychotic Artificial Intelligence since the seminal HAL 9000 from 2001. As can plainly be seen, Ellen McLain's completely off-its-axle AI beats out its forerunner to the number six spot. There's nothing more joyous, yet also incredibly creepy, than hearing her synthesised voice taunting you throughout the game. "I think we can put our differences behind us...for Science. You monster."

5: Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

"Home sweet home." Oh yes, Spike. You did very much make Sunnydale your home. Crashing through the town's sign in "School Hard", Spike made one heck of an entrance to the Hellmouth, then went on to make his awesome speech about the Crucifixion, the first of many epic monologues. But none finer than my favourite Spike episode, "Lover's Walk" - "Love isn't brains, children, it's blood! Blood screaming inside you to work its will! I may be love's bitch, but at least I man enough to admit it." And a damn fine man, and villain, you are Spike.

4: Hans Gruber (Die Hard)

"You asked for miracles, Theo, I give you the F.B.I." When villains come as slick and sneering as Alan Rickman, you'll overlook his less-than-German accent. Every word from that man's lips are just so beautifully enunciated that it doesn't matter that he's not an evil dictator of the galaxy, maniacal AI or corporate tool, he's an amazing villain. In his own words - "I am an exceptional thief, Mrs McClane. And since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite." Genius. And classically educated too.

3: The Master (Doctor Who)

Although his name would say otherwise, The Master isn't master of this list, but he comes frakking close! Alas, my early Who knowledge is limited mostly to "Genesis of the Daleks" and Jon Pertwee's adventures with the Autons, so it's John Simm's joyously evil performance as the megalomaniac Master that snags the number three spot. As seen with Sideshow Bob, it's not uncommon for villains to attain political office. But only The Master would go Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, gas his entire cabinet at their first meeting, then go on to completely take over the world and successfully capture the Doctor. Now that's villainy.

2: Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto (X-Men)

Shown here by the wonderful Michael Fassbender, but also including Sir Ian McKellan's classic performance as the X-Men villain, he is just short of my favourite villain, but by a tiny margin. It was a very close race. For me, Magneto is made exceptionally brilliant by a remark in the third film (many deny it existed, but sorry guys, it did happen and it had some pretty good moments) - "Charles Xavier did more for mutants than you will ever know. My single greatest regret is that he had to die for our dream to live." It his genuine respect for his own nemesis, his old friend, that elevates Erik Lehnsherr above your rank and file villains. And we can only hope that Michael Fassbender will continue to breathe new life into the character as the franchise continues. Also, it gives the ladies a villain to swoon over.

1: Mayor Richard Wilkins III (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

That's right kids, it's a Buffy villain snagging the top spot, but not just any old Buffy villain. The Mayor, polite, dedicated public servant of Sunnydale, very particular about hygiene and very disapproving of swearing, but also not adverse to murder and devouring Sunnydale High students and staff (sorry, Snyder) in order to achieve ascension to pure demon form. There's just something that simultaneously warms and chills the soul about the Mayor. He's an equal opportunities employer - humans, renegade Slayers, vampires. In the Mayor's Sunnydale, everyone gets a fair chance. Well, right up until he becomes a giant snake. But thanks to the Mayor, Sunnydale High, class of 1999, gets one hell of a graduation ceremony. Kudos, Mr Mayor. Kudos.