This isn't a videogame, Fisher!

I've wanted to do a top ten blog for a little while now. At first, I was considering doing a top ten "Tech Guys" list to honour the arrival of my new computer. Ended up gushing about Avengers Assemble instead. Won't lie, a film well worth gushing over. Now that I've dispensed with my arbitrary Avengers/Joss Whedon compliment, I'm going to get to something of a point.

Digging around on Facebook, I found some old "Notes" that I'd done. A couple of twenty-five random fact ones, four movie quotation ones (pitching to do a fifth, but haven't quite found the nerdy energy for it yet), a couple of completely nonsensical ones and my list of top ten games.

This note was written three years ago. 4th March 2009 to be utterly precise. And the most intriguing thing I've noted is how much my top ten has changed in those years. So in addition to giving you pictures and blurb of the games in my top ten, they will come with a notation as to whether they've gone up, down, stayed in the same position or been dethroned something entirely. Also, I like the idea of using the phrase "dethroned".

So without further ado, my top ten games:

10: Mass Effect (Xbox 360)

New Entry
Dethroned: Worms 4: Mayhem (PC)

It took me a long time to get from my Xbox (acquired around 2004/2005), to get to my 360 (acquired in 2011). It didn't take long for me to indulge in Mass Effect, a game that had been highly recommended to me. It did not disappoint. Like many things in this universe, I love and hate it...I hate it, because I wish I had thought up that storyline first. Still yet to truly play its sequels and there's a part of me that wants to keep it that way. Not only stunning to look at, but Mass Effect created a rich, wonderful universe, populated with intriguing characters who generated a compelling story to play through.

9: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo 64)

Shuffled Down
Previous Position: 2

While from 2 to 9 seems like an incredible fall from grace, this should not reflect on the quality and beauty of this game. I can still remember the day I finally acquired this game, the fleeting opportunities to play it as my sister had hogged my N64 and later that evening was my nephew's first birthday party. But eventually, I became immersed in the game. Now I was eleven. I was a tempestuous child and I will admit to the odd falling out with Ocarina of Time. Threats of being thrown out, along with my N64 and entire collection, often followed repeated failures to defeat particularly diabolical bosses. Regardless, this game will always hold a special place in my heart and remains one of the finest games ever made.

8: Snowboard Kids (Nintendo 64)

Shuffled Down
Previous Position: 4

This is one of the games I credit with getting me through the stress of my GCSEs. Of course, having gone through A-Levels and a Creative Writing degree, GCSEs seem like an absolute cake-walk that I could probably do blindfolded at this juncture, I still owe this game. There's just something so cute and adorable about the game that makes it so much fun to come back to time and again. Snowboard Kids will forever remain a classic, a simple pleasure that I will never grow old. Kind of makes me wish I could really snowboard...

7: TimeSplitters 2 (Nintendo GameCube)

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Dethroned: Thief: The Dark Project (PC)

Represented here by my favourite level, 2019: NeoTokyo, TimeSplitters 2 is one of the best First-Person Shooters I've come across. I was first introduced to the game in 2008/2009 by one of my best friends, a man far more game-nerdier than I (with the unfortunate callsign "Lady Boy", but that's a traumatic story for another day) and completed the whole thing in a single two-hour sitting at his house. While that might seem far too easy and not so enjoyable, I keep coming back and back to TimeSplitters 2 and endlessly to NeoTokyo - mostly because I find it so damn pretty. Though one of its best features is its obvious use of time travel - thanks to this, you get to blast the living crap out of things from multiple time frames: cyberpunk gangs in 2019, bug-eyed aliens in 2280 and gangsters in 1932. Good...times.

6: Tachyon: The Fringe (PC)

Shuffled Down
Previous Position: 5

She's not gone far and there's pretty good reason for that. Tachyon: The Fringe is the best space-fighter game ever. Not only is it aesthetically pretty (being set in space, it has a lot of pretty things to look at), it has an incredibly gripping storyline that - like Mass Effect - I really, really wish I thought of first. Nonetheless, I love this game. I particularly love the pictured ships - the GalSpan Orion. A well-balanced fighter and when armed with Deimos Heavy Lasers and Solaris Torpedoes, a force never to be frakked with. That being said, when I go into the Twilight Region, I tend to favour the GalSpan Phoenix. Slower, but she takes much more punishment. Much, much more. To the point though, Tachyon was a brilliant piece of gaming ingenuity, with freedom to roam around vast areas of space populated by some pretty colourful characters. A superb game and timeless classic.

5: Half-Life 2 (PC)

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Dethroned: Tachyon: The Fringe (PC)

I wonder if I should have discovered this game sooner. On the other hand, I came to it at the perfect time. As borderline Obsessive-Compulsive (though many debate the "borderline" part), I had to play the first game...well...first. While it was a hard slog, I enjoyed the game and was richly rewarded for my time when I came to Half-Life 2 and was first given the Gravity Gun. When those two words enter the sentence, you know there is so much fun to be had. Especially when you get the super-charged version and pick up people and hurl them into disintegrating energy fields. Whilst humming Johann Strauss' "The Blue Danube" . Not to mention it has yet another brilliant, deeply engrossing storyline I'm jealous of.

4: Portal (PC)

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Dethroned: Snowboard Kids (Nintendo 64)

When it comes to be being jealous of storylines and ideas...the beauty of Portal makes you just want to travel to Bellevue, Washington and bow down before the writers of Valve Software. Then tell them "If you can't beat them, join them. I must join you. NOW!" It's near universally held that Portal did something so simple, yet so incredible that it blew the minds of many a gamer. And an honourable mention should go here to its sequel, Portal 2, equally mind-blowing and featuring J.K. Simmons. But here we are honouring the brain-teasing joy of Portal and the immense fun it has given us imagining practical applications for the Portal Gun in our everyday lives. Kudos, Valve...just...kudos.

3: Perfect Dark (Nintendo 64)

Non-Mover
Previous Position: Right Here

When it comes to favourites, even the brand-new, shiny beautiful games cannot beat those classics that stole your heart as an innocent child. The other game responsible for my survival through my GCSEs and the best FPS I've ever played, Perfect Dark cannot be matched. It beat Portal and Half-Life 2. To most gamers that's a tall order I imagine. But when it comes to storyline, aesthetics and kick-ass British female heroines, Perfect Dark wins. Oh yeah and it has Area 51. I'm a bit of a conspiracy enthusiast. I love playing with Area 51, especially in my writing. I love what they did with the place. Oh and they named an alien "Elvis". Dude. Awesome.

2: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (Nintendo 64)

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Dethroned: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo 64)

I suspect this may be viewed as a controversial decision, but Ocarina of Time's direct sequel wins. Both games are beautiful, but Majora's Mask is so much more colourful, as well as being quite a bit darker in content. It also plays a lot more with temporal mechanics and I do thoroughly enjoy a good spot of casual time-travel. Also, it has an utterly beautiful soundtrack - my favourite piece being the song the Indigo-Go's play over the top of the end credits. While it was quite the short game in terms of bosses and temples, the three-day Groundhog-Day-reminiscent cycles kept you on your toes and kept those side quests going for many a sleepless night after the final triumph of defeating the ultimate boss.

1: Deus Ex (PC)

Non-Mover
Previous Position: Right Here

I don't think anything will ever, *ever* be able to top this game. When it comes to games I wish I'd written first, this is the Big Kahuna. The storyline is so vast, so rich in background information - painstakingly researched, pieces of scientific information slotted in at exactly the right points. This game is responsible for a great many things in my writing - my fascination with nanotechnology and cyberpunk. While the reputation of the game may have been sullied by its demon offspring, Deus Ex: Invisible War (still enjoyable and I love it, but it's that drunken mistake you wish you hadn't woken up next to), its prequel, Deus Ex: Human Revolution restored its honour somewhat. While not as radical as Portal, this one was a game-changer. For the hours of enjoyment I have received and the influence it's had on me, I owe this game a debt of thanks I can only repay by continuing to play it over and over again.

Now my perfect Sunday...

We're breaking out the Hot Fuzz quotations this time (sorry Joss), as the most prominent subject in my mind is my perfect Sunday. The perfect Sunday that I just had.

So. My perfect Sunday. It kicked off with, as most Sundays do now, with being at work. It was a beautiful, sunny day and anyone familiar with the English weather's current behavioural patterns will know that it just hasn't been sunny for a long while. The typical English response to this - mass exodus from their houses, descend on their town centres and then harass poor, innocent cafe workers with their relentless tide of tedious requests.

I assure you I am not in the least bit bitter about any of this. Honestly.

Anyway, back to my perfect Sunday. So far, you might think it had been a bit pants. I'd been stuck inside all day, serving the general population who were enjoying the sunshine. But strangely enough, that didn't manage to detract from how nice my day became. If anything, it provided a much needed contrast, thus balance, enabling my day to be perfect.

Could I say "perfect" any more? I'll let you keep the running score.

Eventually, work finished, I managed to run away. Now, a bit of context here. My laptop died after three years of noble service (this post is being crafted on my housemate's Mac. The switch around of the @ and " keys is still a little disconcerting). Due to this, when I arrived home on Sunday, I did not automatically switch on said deceased laptop and check my emails. Instead, I made myself a pot of tea (Moroccan mint. Finest kind), stretched myself out on a sofa in our now clean and tidy living room and proceeded to blitz my way through The Gods Themselves by Isaac Asimov.

About half an hour into these extremely pleasant and relaxed proceedings, I had my epiphany. I was in the middle of my perfect Sunday. Everything was calm and peaceful, I had a good book and some damn good tea (thank you Teahouse Emporium!). All was well. The Universe was in balance. Could it get any better?

Apparently so.

You see, I am a man of infinitely useless knowledge. And that knowledge occasionally finds a convenient outlet in a pub quiz setting. So when my friend Phoenix text me and asked if I wanted to go to the quiz, my evening was pretty much set.

Quick aside: my close friends all have call signs. This is a result of extreme Battlestar Galactica geekdom, which manifested in August 2010. My wingman, Starbuck (so named for the obvious reason of being my wingman...or really wingwoman), was elsewhere while I was at a club, where I was hoping to run into a girl I had met (/Starbuck had made sure I talked to). In a moment of nervous geekdom, I text Starbuck for advice and called her the aforementioned call sign. It stuck. Since then, many people have call signs. I received mine (from Starbuck) in November 2010: Achilles. Why? Because girls are my Achilles' Heel.

They really, really are.

So anyway, pub quiz with Phoenix, Starbuck's boyfriend Wench and two other mutual friends who have yet to receive call signs, rounded off my perfect Sunday. We may have only placed 5th, but it was still an extremely enjoyable evening.

There you have it. My perfect Sunday. Tea, a good book, followed by a damn good quiz. Tradition to continue next week, with different tea, different book, but same quiz and more than likely the same team. But who knows? The future holds many wonderful possibilities. Assassin Girl could come into the cafe and I could finally pluck the courage to ask her out. Kindle Girl might impress me first. A rampaging mob of respectable feminists may murder me for the previous two comments. The editor of SFX could come back in, I would recognise him this time (not just his Mass Effect N7 hoodie) and the resulting conversation could land me my dream job.

If only.

Alternatively, I settle for him noticing the Twitter post linking to this blog, reading it, putting two and two together and then offering me a job...

I get the feeling I'll see Assassin Girl before then...

Eggs. The Living Legend Needs Eggs.

Once again, I'm borrowing a line from Firefly, but it appears to be my thing. That and it just seems that Joss Whedon managed to conceive a line of dialogue for every occasion. Joss is Boss. Fact. Just wait. Avengers is going to prove that. The trailer has shown us this already.

However, as much as Avengers is so awesome it's getting mentioned again, this is more about Pancake Day. Hence why I'm quoting Jayne Cobb. Today at work someone wondered what was the deal behind Pancake Day (though I'm fairly sure they phrased it as "Shrove Tuesday", Pancake Day's official name). My response - "Jesus. It's something to do with Jesus."

Now why am I babbling about this? I'm a fatalist. To that end, let's talk about the pancakes. Or, more precisely, the failure of our experiment with coffee in the pancake mix. I think the failure was the result of the kind of coffee used (at this point, I have *definitely* worked in the coffee industry too long). We used soluble coffee granules, the kind from a jar. The problem was I expecting something like iced coffee. You know, shot or two of espresso in the mix, that would've worked. A note for next time.

Okay, so I'll be honest. A bit underwhelmed by Pancake Day this year. I had, pretty much, one pancake. Well, two. One coffee pancake and one regular pancake. With cherries. I don't the cherries were the problem. My inability to find maple syrup, that was a problem. Must admit, I'm also fearing a slight Christmas Effect here. Allow me to elaborate.

Ever found that, as you grow up, Christmas becomes less and less exciting? Back in the day, as a kid, you couldn't wait. You'd wake up at ridiculous o'clock, sneak into the living room and watch really, really random CGI animation things (that you only ever found at Christmas and still have no clue what it was called), desperate to open those presents staring at you from under the tree because you've already exhausted everything that was left in the stocking. Or, in the case of my later years, under my little Christmas tree. This is the Christmas Effect - over time, excitement decreases. Has this happened to Pancake Day for me?

Well, just going to have to wait until 2013 to figure that out. For now, I'm blaming no maple syrup. Maple syrup was good last year. Also, my flipping technique needs a *lot* of work.

Random digression time. Mass Effect time. Just finished my second playthrough of the first Mass Effect. Finally decided to get around to playing Mass Effect 2. Not played very much yet. Enjoying so far nonetheless. Don't think I'll have it done in time to play Mass Effect 3. I'm saying Mass Effect a lot today. Mass Effect.

Oh, now here's something good to babble about. My growing collection of Quantum Mechanix swag. My last post prior to my list of top ten villains mentioned my anticipation of the arrival of my Claudia Donovan (of Warehouse 13 fame) maquette and F-302 (Stargate SG-1 fame) replica. But, thanks to QMx's ability to torture me with awesome stuff (namely free Firefly buttons), I now have a Viper keychain. Attached to my bag. Complimenting my Quantum Mechanix rocket (which came with my River Tam maquette) and my Millenium Falcon Lego keychain that was a gift from my nephews when they went to Legoland Windsor.

I still haven't been. A fact that still torments me to this day.

So yes. I have my new QMx swag now. Claudia is now dutifully guarding my GameCube and, by extension, looking down on me whenever I'm watching a DVD or playing a video game. Thankfully, not in a judgemental manner.

Pictures of my QMx swag will follow. Eventually...

Now to wrap this up with some kind of profound thought. "He who asks is a fool for five minutes. He who does not ask remains a fool forever." Chinese Proverb. I think that's pretty profound.

This boat is my home. You all are guests on it.

Yes, it's time to quote the wise and wonderful Captain Malcolm Reynolds. In fact, it's always time to quote Mal, but right now is even more appropriate than usual, because I feel like making a list. The first of many random lists I'm probably going to do in the course of my blogging "career". Today's list: my top ten favourite starships.

I apologise in advance if any spoilers creep in to my ramblings. I'm going to do my darned best to avoid them, but no guarantees. You have been forewarned!

So, in order from ten to one, here are the best and brightest vessels in the 'Verse.

10: Battlestar Pegasus (BS-62)

She's big, she's bad, she's nicknamed "The Beast". She's Battlestar Pegasus, the latest, shiniest addition to the Colonial Fleet's arsenal prior to the Fall of the Twelve Colonies. Commanded  by the ruthless Rear Admiral Helena Cain, this Mercury-class battlestar survived the Cylon assault on the Scorpion Fleet Shipyards, then went on to royally piss the Cylons off with hit-and-run attacks before she encountered Battlestar Galactica and the remains of humanity. 

9: USS Defiant (NX-74205)

In the tough nugget, bad-ass starship category, USS Defiant is Starfleet's niftiest contribution. Compared to other starships, she may not be the biggest, but with pulse phasers and quantum torpedoes, not to mention a Romulan cloaking device, she's one of the meanest ships in Starfleet. And under the command of Captain Benjamin Sisko, she went around beating the living crap out of Cardassians and Jem'Hadar alike during the Dominion War.

8: USS Daedalus (BC-304)

Slipping in at 8 is the United States Air Force and its beautiful, kick-ass battlecruiser, USS Daedalus. Commanded by Colonel Steven Caldwell (played by X-Files alumni Mitch Pileggi - I won't deny the squee of happiness when I first saw him on Daedalus's bridge), this beast first saw action during the Wraith Siege of Atlantis. Since then, she's been outfitted with Asgard beam weapons and has generally gone tearing around the Pegasus Galaxy, beating the living crap out of any ships dumb enough to oppose the USAF's shiniest battlecruiser. Also joined by sister ships USS Odyssey, USS Apollo and USS George Hammond.

7: Super Star Destroyer Executor

When she first appears in Empire Strikes Back, you know some serious shit is going down. Darth Vader's flagship  is probably the meanest entry in the Imperial Navy's arsenal after the timely demise of the Death Star. Easily as big as the Death Star itself (albeit flattened out), Executor spells doom to any Rebels as soon as it jumps into a star system. Well, at least it did until a poxy little A-Wing crashed into the bridge and took the whole thing out at the Battle of Endor. Up until then...she was a pretty bad-ass ship. Oh well. It was only because Darth Vader wasn't breathing heavily over everyone's shoulders and Force-choking dumb-ass admirals.

6: USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)

Specifically the NCC-1701 from the new movie. Although the original ship from the Original Series was beautiful, JJ Abrams injects new life into James T. Kirk's famous first command. Combine its gorgeous "ample nacelles" (thanks, Scotty) with her awesome crew and you have a pretty bad-ass ship. Best choice for Federation flagship by far...

5: USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-E)

...until you consider this beauty. While Kirk's Enterprise is a wonderful ship, she will never be as beautiful as Enterprise-E or have a captain as amazing and classically trained as the one and only Jean-Luc Picard. While his more famous command was Enterprise-D, it's Enterprise-E that steals the show here. And with the aforementioned captain at the helm, she beats out both Defiant and the "original" Enterprise as best ship in Starfleet. But does she really clinch the title? Let's see...

4: SSV Normandy (SR-1)

Coming in at 4 is Mass Effect's SSV Normandy, a nifty little ship, product of a collaboration between the Systems Alliance and the Turian Hierarchy. Equipped with an experimental drive core and stealth systems to make every other race in the galaxy weep, the flagship of humanity's first Spectre is a cheeky little number that anyone should be proud to command. And when piloted by Seth frakking Green...what more could you ask for?

3: USS Prometheus (NX-59650)

Alas, Enterprise-E, in spite of its Shakespeare-trained captain, failed to clinch the honour of Starfleet's best and brightest. That honour falls to USS Prometheus, featured only once (well, in focus), during the Star Trek: Voyager episode "Message in a Bottle". So what sets Prometheus apart from Defiant, Enterprise and Enterprise-E? Easy. Multi-vector assault mode. Built specifically for combat in the Dominion War, Prometheus is capable of splitting into three separate, fully-armed, warp-capable sections. Three-in-one starship? Now that's frakking bad-ass!

2: Battlestar Galactica (BS-75)

When it comes to bad-ass, though, no ship in any universe whatsoever beats this beauty. Star of the eponymous show, Battlestar Galactica is one of the toughest, most sublimely beautiful warships in existence. Over its long, long career, it's been nuked, tangled with numerous Cylon basestars and never fails to come out swinging. Under the faithful command of William Adama, it's no wonder humanity survived the Fall of the Twelve Colonies when they had this motherfrakker showing those frakking Toasters who's boss!

1: Serenity (03-K64)

Here she is. By far, indisputably, the most beautiful ship in the 'Verse. I won't lie. I want one. I want to live on it. She may not have weapons, but she's a ship you can love. Makes her home :) And she's so small, you could probably fit in her Galactica's flight pods, which means I could have both my favourite starships together. I could go on and on about why I love this ship, but just watch Firefly, watch Serenity, then you shall understand the true awesomeness of this humble cargo ship.


So there you have it. My (personal) top ten favourite starships. Feel free to scream at me for missing off ships you love, or to praise my selection. I hope you've all enjoyed this, as I hope to make more top tens. Proposed topics - sci-fi ladies and favourite starfighters. Until then, this has been my top ten favourite starships :D